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Pennsylvania Academy for Necroambulate Studies
DrZ Newsome Speaks
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Some Recent Topics I Have Discussed

DrZ R. L. Newsome

Hypernecrotremantics and the Demonically Possessed

My line of research at this time leads me to first clear up common misconceptions regarding the subject at hand: The reanimated dead. A common thought on this subject is that the "zombies" have a supernatural origin. We purport to use a strictly SCIENTIFIC definition of "zombie".

While there is evidence to suggest a "zombification" (and I hesitate to use that word in this context) of living humans in voodoo rituals of the southern United States as well as certain Caribbean locales, these are not the "zombies" with which our research deals. Not to put too fine a point on it, but these are living beings possessed by a spiritual presence or in some sort of hypnotic or pseudo-hypnotic trance. They are not necroambulates (the walking dead).

While we are on the subject of spiritual presence, I feel that I must debunk the theory that films such as the "evil dead" trilogy deal with. Zombies they certainly do NOT. The monsters presented therein are clearly dead bodies (with the exception of the protagonist with whom we will deal later) who are REANIMATED BY AN EVIL (demonic?) FORCE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION. They show several differences from the object of our inquiry:

1) They have the ability to change shape at will 2) They do not require brains. Let us contrast the idea of brains easing the pain of being dead with the clearly stated goal of the antagonists in the film in question to "swallow your soul". Clearly these beings require spiritual sustenance (the soul) as opposed to a physical, concrete need (brains). 3) In the case of the protagonist of the film "ash", he is clearly show to have been possessed by the spiritual presence summoned by reading the pages of the book of the dead and to have DEFEATED THE PRESENCE AND DRIVEN IT OUT OF HIS BODY. The reanimated dead (necroambulates) are as such until the spinal cord is severed (the way to "kill" a zombie).

Although I feel that the above information should be obvious to one such as yourself, I felt that I should pass it along to you so that you could see the way I define the subjects of our research, and therefore the way in which I intend to approach their study.

Questions: Due to the fact that zombies eat brains, may we safely assume that they are in possession of functional digestive and circulatory systems? What of the ones who have no torso? How does the preservative effects of brains work if this is not the case? Are they functioning purely on instinct, and if so do they have any "intelligence" (at least measurably) at all?

Looking forward to your reply

DrZ Robert L. Newsome, (doctor of Zombology)

You can't see him from here, but Otis is totally about to gobble-up this family's brains

Decapitation or Incineration:

A study regarding methods of necroambulate

      Long has it been posited that the only method of eliminating the threat
of a re-animated corpse through biological or chemical means (for the purposesof this article, these subjects will be referred to here after
as "necroambulates", the walking dead) is the severing of the spinal cord. While some scientists feel that this is still the best way of
disposing of these creatures, including, I will disclose, the very
academy of which I am a member, I submit to you that decapitation of
re-animated corpses may not be enough.

     While some may regard my suggestion as scientific heresy and academic
suicide, I feel that a reasoned study of the evidence at hand will
vindicate my somewhat radical assertion. In the text Return of the
Living Dead (O'Bannon, 1985), the first corpse seen to have been
re-animated by the introduction of trioxin vapors (hereafter referred to
as the "Yellow Man"), attacks Frank, Burt and Freddy in an attempt to
ease the pain of being dead by consuming their brains. While saving
themselves from certain doom at the hands (and teeth) of the Yellow Man,
it is stated that the way to dispose of a necroambulate is to cut off
it's head.

     This led to the widely believed theory that severing the spinal cord will eliminate the re-animated property of the corpse,
making it effectively "re-dead". This hypothesis is, however proven to
be false when put to the test. The Yellow Man continues to wreak havoc
even without his head, which acts independently of the body even secured
to the floor with a pickaxe, screaming for brains all along. More
evidence of this can be seen in the case of the mounted split dogs, who
are shown to have been re-animated despite the fact that their spinal
columns had to have been sliced in half (albeit lengthwise) in the
process of turning the canine cadavers into veterinary instruction

      When the Yellow Man's component parts (still very much active, and
still very much a threat as Ernie Kaltenbruner's pants leg would no
doubt attest) are burned, the threat of the Yellow Man is eliminated.
This, I believe, proves my theory which, in essence is "burning is
better". The residual problem is, however, one of more magnitude. How
can a necroambulate be burned in a contained environment whereby the
resultant fumes will not cause the re-animation of more corpses as shown
in the text? I propose the establishment of a national chain on
necroambulate containment, study and disposal centers where these
re-animated corpses may be taken for proper disposal, and the resulting
gases may be captured and possibly rendered inert. Some may feel that
my proposal is over-reaction, but to them I would state that we have
already seen the effects of improper necroambulate disposal, and these
problems are serious ones, indeed.